


I Guess I Kinda liked the Way You Numbed All the Pain

by Birdy07



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz (Two River Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Author is depressed so is michael, Broadway here i come song, F/F, F/M, Filipino Michael Mell, Gay Michael Mell, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Tags Are Hard, Trans Male Character, Trans Michael Mell, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:35:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23717551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birdy07/pseuds/Birdy07
Summary: Michael is worthless... But his moms make it better, even just for a little while. Even if he is still going to do it later... After Jeremy is safe.
Relationships: Jeremy Heere & Michael Mell, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, Michael mell and his moms
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	1. The Decision

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoy!

That moment he knew his heart had stopped. The breath in his lungs seemed nonexistent as tears threatened that carefree facade he had built for years. Thats how Michael would describe himself in this moment. his best friend had finally left him, it wasn't like he hadn't been expecting it. Jeremy was so good and Michael just wasnt. So the Filipino boy drove home with a terrifying numbness settling in his chest, he walked in the house, greeted his moms, and went to the basement. The room he was met with had been his safe place for so long but now? now there were memories of another boy with pale white skin, a freckled face, and a smile that could flatline Michael right now. The images of Jeremy would not leave him alone taunting him with the fact that he really was a loser, a stoner, a loner.

Michael laid his head onto his pillow and rolled over, it needed to stop. He couldn't take this empty pain any longer, but he had promised Jeremy he wouldn't anymore. But would Jeremy care? Would Michaels moms care? Michael wouldn't care if he just wasn't there anymore. Jeremy had already cut Michael out of his life, cut... Michael laughed at his own twisted joke as he pulled at the sleeve of his hoodie to reveal scars upon scars scattered over the dark skin. God what was wrong with him? Why was he so impossibly worthless? If he was just gone he would be doing his moms a favor... They never wanted a boy anyway. They could finally get the girl they had chosen to adopt, instead of whatever the hell Michael was.

He couldn't even be a real boy he had to be gay. He had to fall in love with a boy who cared more about how the world perceived him, then how much Michael needed him. A choked sob escaped michael, no, he couldn't be loud! His parents would hear, he couldn't worry them! They would hate him more. The boy pulled himself off the bed and moved to his dresser, he opened the top drawer, moved the clothes, and pulled out his razor. He placed it on his bed, and stared at it hopelessly. 

It took him less than a minute to finally think it over he pulled out a school notebook and started to write.

Dear Jeremy,  
Hey, I'm sorry for being a freak. But I thought I should tell you in case maybe you do care. Unlikely I know, but this isn't your fault. It's my own for being so damn angsty, I guess I'm a stereotype now huh? Remember how we used to make fun of those movies with a depressed charicture who wanted to kill themselves? I guess it wasn't so unrealistic... Uh so I've been in love with you since fifth grade. I'm know you don't feel that way about me so I'm sorry for being this way... So I guess goodbye forever?

Michael.

Michael was interrupted from writing his next letter by the sound of one of his moms coming down the stairs. "Michael honey? Did you want to watch a movie with us?" Her voice was a soft rasp, Michael could get lost in that voice, instead he threw a blanket over the razor and turned the page in his notebook.

"No thanks mama, I have a lot of school to do." It wasn't a total lie Michael just wasn't going to do all the school he had.

"Is that why Jeremy isn't over?" She asked now fully entering the room.

Michael considered lying for a moment and decided against it, maybe this would help. "Jeremy and I aren't friends anymore." He couldn't get it out without a sob at the end.

" What! " Michaels mama shouted rushing over and pulling her son into a hug. "Since when!"

" Three months. " Michael whispered pulling his mama closer. And melting into the hug, but God he hated being a burden he hated how good it felt to be held he was such a waste of space.

"Anna get down here!" She called to Michaels other mom. " baby why didn't you tell us? " she put a tighter grip around the boy who was her whole world.

"I..." Another sobbed ripped itself from Michael's chest. " I didn't th-think that you... I didnt.. Think you'd c-care. " when had he been the one with the stutter? that had always been Jeremy. Hell Michael knew his fate was sealed tonight he was going to die. Maybe not with the razor that had been his only escape for so long. Maybe he would sneak out later to the old bridge and just jump.

"Sweet lord! Why wouldn't we care." Anna screeched as she heard Michael's answer from her place on the stairs.

" I just... I'm not... I'm not what you... You wanted. " Michael physically couldn't stop himself crying now.

"Not what we wanted! Baby what are you talking about?" His mama replied her voice laced with tears why would her sweet happy baby boy feel that way? He was her whole world, her wife, Anna came to join the hug.

" I'm supposed... I'm supposed to be... A girl. There... There has to be something wrong with me!" a look of horror came over both of his mother's faces and Michael wondered if he should have kept that to himself maybe they would leave him when they remembered what they really wanted.

"M-michael! We don't care that your a boy. You are who you are and we love you for it." Anna sobbed " th-there is nothing wrong with you. 

Michael fought his way out of the hug "I'm just a burden I'm .... I'm the worst thing that ever happened to y-you! I'm just.. I'm just... I'm just me. And that's not enough! I don't deserve you! either of you! I deserve to.... " to die is what he wanted to say but he stopped knowing his moms would agree with him "to be alone."

" Baby no! Nobody deserves that. " his mama cried. Another sob ripped from his chest and he let all the emotion he had felt alone for three months just leave him, and that's how he fell asleep in his mother's arms. 

Michael woke the same as he had fallen asleep trapped in his mother's arms. The thought warmed his chest. They said good morning and made him breakfast nobody said he had to go to school even though it was a tuesday. And Michael thought for once maybe he would be okay. He pulled out his phone to reveal a message from his Warcraft buddy something about mountain dew red being able to stop the squip. Wait stop the squip! Maybe he could save Jeremy! Then he would end it all just as soon as Jeremy was safe. He promised himself.

The Filipino was burning all of the memories with Jeremy so he could set Jeremy free. Jeremy wouldn't have to be his friend when this was all over... he couldn't burn anything. The next day Jeremy's dad stopped by, Yelling at him about pants? Turns out Jeremy was still in the play. That was Michaels chance. He would save Jeremy from the squip. Then he would save everybody from himself. Easy...


	2. The action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael has always been good at keeping promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think I had this in me. I'm sorry.

Jeremy and Michael Thats the way it had always been. Now however, it was Jeremy, Christine, and Michael. He was the third wheel which, only further pushed forward the promise Michael had made to himself.

Michael was good at keeping promises it happened to be the one thing he was good at. He promised his mom he would stop by the grocery store on his way home from school, and he did. He promised his mama he would clean his room, he did. He promised Mr. Heere he would save Jeremy, he did. Michael kept promises. So when he promised himself he would end it, he would.

The Filipino had ripped the note he wrote his moms just weeks prior to his decision, out of his math notebook and placed it on the kitchen table, around one am. He then proceeded to go out to the Benjamin Franklin bridge, it was around an hour drive but it was worth it. His moms and him had visited it a few summers ago, he didn't want to die at some random bridge or building. That felt wrong. Michael didn't write a location in the note, that too felt wrong. A lot of other things should have felt wrong, they didnt.

The tan skinned boy drove to the seven-eleven parking lot and walked in. He took in the familiar way it looked, this would be the last time he was here. Memories of two am runs with Jeremy flooded every corner of the store and Michael hated it. He hated how much he wanted to die, he hated how much the idea of being gone comforted him. But he couldn't help it. He hated how much he loved Jeremy and he hated how much Jeremy loved Christine.

Christine, Michael wished he could hate Christine but he couldn't. How could he hate a girl who wished him the best in everything he faced. How could he hate her obsession with play rehearsal, or the way her laugh made Jeremy's face light up. Michael could hate Christine but he could hate that she was what Jeremy wanted.

Michael drug himself over to the self serve slushies machine and got red. Afterall, no need to die on an empty stomach. he needed a pick me up anyway. He ran a hand over his face to whipe off the numb feeling as he paid the girl, she gave him a soft apprehensive smile.

"Are you okay?" She asked and Michael was taken aback. He thought he was better at hiding himself than that. He was getting lazy, it didn't matter anyway he wouldn't see anyone he cared about again.

" What? Yeah of course! " he laughed taking a long sip of the slushie before turning to leave.

"It's just..." She followed after him, " you always come in with a smile, I know it's like ass o'clock but that's never stopped your smile before . " she noticed his smile? The fake smile he hated? The smile that burned his face when he plastered it on?

"Been a rough day is all! Thanks for asking, that's really nice." He put the smile on and that seemed to satisfy her.

" Okay, but if you ever need anything... " he smiled, nodded, then left. The girl at sev elev cared? That was some sick joke right? Michael didn't even care why would she? He let out a growl of laughter as he pulled out of the parking lot in his Beat up PT cruiser, why was he even asking? He knew how sick the world was.

Jeremy had beautiful eyes, The first time Michael noticed them was when his mom left. The years that filled Jeremy's eyes were so beautiful it hurt Michael's chest. The sad look on his best friend's face it was wrong yet so beautiful. Another one of the world's sick jokes. 

Michael turned the radio to blast out Bob Marley as he drove singing to the tune, he knew every word by heart.

"Let them all pass all their dirty remarks One love! There is one question I'd really love to ask One heart! Is there a place for the hopeless sinner Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own?  
Believe me." He screamed out the lyrics as memories of Jeremy filled his head, and tears filled his eyes. He drove to that song on repeat for the whole drive. 

When he finally got to the bridge. He looked down at the ground and pulled out his phone. He looked at a pictures of him, Jeremy, and Christine. He looked at pictures of his moms, and of happier times. Then he looked down toward the ground and the world made sense. This was his place. ".Jeremy, ang aking minamahal! paalam." He whispered as he hoisted himself over the edge. Then he was falling through the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The language Michael is speaking at the very end is a Google translate version of Filipino that loosely translates to "my love! Jeremy goodbye." If that's wrong someone please tell me and I'll fix it.


End file.
